


Nostalgia

by fakemagpies



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Age Difference, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst with a Happy Ending, Break Up, Chapter Two is Optional, Community: tfa_kink, Kinda?, Kings of Convenience (band), M/M, No One Listens to CDs Anymore, Prompt Taken Too Seriously
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-17
Updated: 2016-02-27
Packaged: 2018-05-21 05:37:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,865
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6040246
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fakemagpies/pseuds/fakemagpies
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Finn.</p><p>Hux groans at the name and he rubs his hands against his face. It's not worth it, for sure. Hux sinks into the cushionless couch and aimlessly stares at the television. What would he even say? Hey, Finn! How have you been these past three years? Why am I here? I think you have my Kings of Convenience CD! How do I know it's you? Well, I haven't been with anyone else since!"</p><p>Fill for tfakinkmeme prompt for the following scenario: "They broke up, any amount of time has passed, the character of your choice wants to know exactly what belongings are missing, cue awkward communication with the ex."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Song is Misread by Kings of Convenience. 
> 
> Only edited lightly as I was writing so mistakes abound! Will polish it up later.

_The observation I'm doing could_  
 _Easily be understood_  
 _As cynical demeanor_  
 _But one of us misread_  
  
Hux instinctively taps the main riff on his kitchen counter. He hadn't thought about this band in over five years. They, along with many other things Hux would like to forget about, were a part of a blurry phase he went through in the final days of his 20s: some paradoxical and nonsensical mix between new age hipster and uptight lawyer.  
  
Hux couldn't help himself when he began to hum another song of theirs. It seemed the entire morning was coated with nostalgia.  
  
It was snowing outside--really snowing--and the last time Hux could remember it snowing, he was still living with his dad. An episode of _The Addams_ filled the room with canned laughter and an occasional scream. When he was rummaging through his closet for his fleece track suit from high-school (he didn't want to freeze during his morning run), Hux had managed to find his old Walkman. The tape inside was some shitty garage band from his old neighborhood called the Knights of Ren. They were a Ramones cover-band, each of them taking on a stage name that incorporated the word "Ren" in it. Some strange force caused Hux to hit play and listen to Ben, leader singer and thinly-veiled namesake of the band, serenade him with horrible covers during his morning run.  
  
After he drinks his coffee, he's overcome by a compulsion to find the CD. A deep yearning to sit in a dim room, listen to Norwegian indie folk-pop and stare out the window fueled the meticulous dismantling of his apartment.  
  
"I know I bought that damn album." He growls, ripping the last cushion from his couch. He stands in the chaotic mess that was once his once well-ordered apartment, staring blankly into space until it hits him.  
  
_Finn._  
  
Hux groans at the name and he rubs his hands against his face. It's not worth it, for sure. Hux sinks into the cushionless couch and aimlessly stares at the television. What would he even say? _Hey, Finn! How have you been these past three years? Why am I here? I think you have my Kings of Convenience CD! How do I know it's you? Well, I haven't been with anyone else since!_  
  
Honestly, Hux wondered if he would really have to go that in-depth. Better yet, was the potential (scratch that, definite) awkwardness worth it for the CD (who even listens to those these days?) of a band he didn't even like anymore?  
  
Hux continues to wonder as the snow crunches beneath his feet. Despite his hands being stuffed into the deep pockets of his peacoat and his head wrapped up in an oversized scarf, Hux was still freezing cold and wondering even harder what in the world he was doing. He walks automatically along streets, turning corners without thinking. _Does he even still live there anymore?_ Hux ponders, waiting at a cross-walk.  
  
Finn. Finn was 18 when they first met. Hux was 29. Hux doesn't remember for sure but they probably met at a party. And just like that, it's coming back to Hux more vividly than he'd like. It was Ben's apartment, he's sure; a party to simultaneously celebrate his admission to medical school and his 24th birthday. Finn wasn't at the party, per se. Hux remembers being on door duty, opening it and looking into Finn's wide, frantic eyes darting between Hux and the sickly pale girl at his side.  
  
Ben shot past him before Hux could even say anything. His voice was seeped with concern. "Rey!"  
  
Hux knew Rey was Ben's cousin and stood awkwardly as Finn explained in a panic her symptoms: extreme abdominal pain, a cold sweat, nausea, and a headache. Blood. Ben took one more look at Rey and sighed, reassuring Finn that it's nothing serious (a statement that Rey didn't much appreciate in her agony).  
  
Rey, Hux later leaned, was homeschooled by her father, Luke. He eschewed television so the poor girl couldn't even get the clearly neglected health curriculum from a bad after-school special. Ben's mom usually fielded any of Rey's questions but both of Ben's parents moved away two years ago when Rey was 11 and this situation seemed so far away.  
  
Hux figured Finn was panicking because he was overwhelmed. He looked old enough to have known but Finn always looked so innocent and unassuming Hux couldn't tell for sure.  
  
Finn stood near the door, pretending to admire the house plant nearby, as Ben took Rey to get a hot compress and other supplies. Hux feels bad for him. Finn's face is nervous and he's probably guilt-struck at bothering Ben at his own party. Hux grabs a beer and offers it to Finn.  
  
"Oh, no..." Finn glances around as he speaks and he's whispering for some reason, "I'm only 18."  
  
Hux, who was nursing his third can, kept holding out the can in a light daze. "Oh." He lets spill, "I'll be the bad adult and say one won't hurt you then. It'll calm your nerves anyways."  
  
Finn's initial opposition may have been for show, as he takes the beer without any further complaint, pops it open and chugs it down like he's been doing it his whole life. After Finn clears his first can, Hux learns he was supposed to be babysitting Rey tonight while her dad attended a seminar out of town. He's graduating high-school officially this year (Christ, Hux feels _old_ ) but he's been taking classes at the community college for a year already. Hux shares that he's recently graduated from law school, a fact Finn marvels at length about, and how he knows Ben.  
  
The vividness of Hux's memories end there but he's sure they spend the rest of the night together, talking about random facets of pop culture and their lives. From then on, Hux seems to see Finn everywhere around town and Finn makes an effort each time to strike up a conversation. Sober Hux found it a lot more difficult to maintain a conversation with him but Finn didn't seem to mind.  
  
Eventually, the casual meetings morphed into coffee dates. Trips to the theater. Walks in the park. Hux doesn't really know how Finn ended up in his bed just three months after meeting him. He'd tried to nip the relationship in the bud numerous times, reminding himself that Finn _just graduated from fucking high-school_. Fuck, Hux had spent most of Finn's K-12 education in college. Each time though, Hux never seemed to follow through and he ends up with the younger man beneath him one night. There are no memories more vivid than the ones where he's caressing Finn, holding him in his arms; kissing him; licking him, feeling the younger man's breath against his neck.  
  
Hux remembers finding out Finn's a virgin, the tears rolling down his face as he cries in pain. Finn explaining he didn't want Hux to think less of him because he was a virgin. Hux thinks it cute but so damn reckless and childish that he can't help but secretly be angry at Finn. Hux holds the crying 19 year old mess all night, laying a halo of kisses around his head and apologizing softly until Finn falls asleep.  
  
They broke up when Finn was 21 and Hux was just shy of 33. It was an unceremonious affair and mostly Hux's fault. They were listening to that damn CD, soft acoustics making the situation more dramatic than it really was, when Hux says it. Finn was explaining how excited he was about being able to buy beer for himself and Hux just blurts it out without thinking:  
  
"Congratulations," he says, deep into an article on tax law, and his voice sharper than needed, "Maybe they'll let you take the training wheels off your bike now that you're a big kid."  
  
The room goes silent but Hux barely notices, his nose in his laptop still reading his article. The door slam is what gets Hux's attention. He decides not to follow Finn; it'll blow over, Hux thought at the time.  
  
It didn't blow over. Finn didn't contact him and Hux went through several stages: worry (what if something happened?), outrage (why is he so mad over a tiny, little innocuous comment?), worry again (seriously Ben, what if something _happened_?), hope (he'll come around eventually), and desperation (I should go to his apartment now and sit in front of it until I see him).  
  
Finn does eventually return his calls and they talk for a long time about how the comment itself meant nothing. Finn explains that he's felt for a long time that Hux has a problem with the age difference and they can never go forward because Hux can't-- **won't** , Finn emphasized--get over it.  
  
"I love you, Hux." Finn's voice cracks over the phone. Hux waits too long to repeat the sentiment as Finn had already hung up.  
  
Hux doesn't bother to call back, the finality of Finn's word being clear.  
  
Despite it all, Hux is here. Standing in front of what he hopes is still Finn's apartment, knocking until he hears footsteps coming towards the door. But the man who answers is most definitely not Finn. He looked about Hux's age with a curly mop of dark brown hair and unfairly chiseled features that almost made the sweatpants and t-shirt he was wearing look glamorous.  
  
"Oh, I'm sorry." Hux says slower than he should, "I must have the wrong apartment."  
  
The other man speaks quickly, catching Hux before he can make his escape. "I have to stop answering the door." He laughs, "Are you looking for Finn? I'll go get him him."  
  
Hux stops cold. "Oh god." He whispers into the empty doorway. This guy was Finn's new boyfriend. This guy who looks like he just stepped off the cover of GQ and could bench way more than Hux could (which wasn't a lot to begin with).  
  
When Finn appears, it's less...less whatever Hux had expected. He wasn't sure why he'd expected Finn to look any different. He's gained a little muscle, sure, but overall Finn looked the same as he did the last time Hux saw him. Finn's eyes widen upon seeing Hux. He's not sure of the expression he's making right now. "Hey."  
  
Finn's eyes settled to their normal state and he's pulled the door shut behind him. Hux figures GQ doesn't know about him and Finn doesn't want him to. Finn's hands are still behind his back, clutching the door knob. "Hey."  
  
They stand observing each other. Hux is sure Finn is noticing the fact that he's aged in the two years. Stress from work has added lines where there shouldn't be for years.  
  
Memories flood Hux's mind and he decides to get it over with. "I'm just here to see," it sounds so ridiculous now that he's face-to-face with him, "if you have my Kings of Convenience CD."  
  
Finn clearly wasn't expecting that. "What?"  
  
Hux wasn't sure if that was a question or a statement but continues on. "I thought you might have picked it up when you came by after we..."  
  
Hux trails off, hoping Finn gets his gist. Finn had come by a couple of days after their phone call to grab the stuff that had piled up at Hux's apartment while the older man was at work. Finn blinks and stares Hux in the eye for a moment. "Yeah, sure, I mean, I'll check." He turns and opens the door, "Wait here a sec."  
  
Hux can't help feel offended at being treated like a shameful secret but it would be awkward to have your ex sitting at your dinner table while your new boyfriend roams in the background. Hux doesn't wait for long with Finn reemerging with the CD minutes later.  
  
"Here." Finn hands the case over to Hux but doesn't let go when Hux tries to retrieve it. "I--"  
  
Time seems to slow down if Hux's heart rate and breathing are any indication.  
  
Finn seems to collect himself and continues. "I took it in purpose. Since you called it 'whiny and nonsensical', I didn't think you'd miss it."  
  
Hux didn't miss the bitterness that punctuated Finn's words. "I just felt like listening to it today is all. You can have it though. You and your friend---"  
  
"Poe." Finn interjects.  
  
"You and your friend _Poe_ ," Hux emphasizes the name harshly and Finn winces slightly. "Can enjoy it. I didn't know you still listened to it. I wouldn't have asked if I knew."  
  
Hux is suddenly exhausted and regrets even coming here. He could have just downloaded the songs or streamed them. Why did he need the stupid CD anyways? Was this really worth the 12.99 he spent on it?  
  
"He's 32." Finn's voice is barely audible when he speaks that Hux almost missed it amongst his thoughts. "He doesn't mind."  
  
Hux wants to stop. It's too cold, he's too tired, it's too late in their relationship to rehash this. "23 and 32 is more manageable than 21 and 32."  
  
"What's happened in two years, Hux?" Finn's voice is still quiet and Hux is not sure if it's for his benefit or the man who is now peering out the window's. "What's the difference?"  
  
"Fine, let's try 18 and 29!" Hux voice is louder than he wants it to be, "How about people looking at you like you're a cradle robber? How about not being able to be affectionate with you without some beat cop asking for ID?"  
  
It only happened once but Hux, whose livelihood depended on the law, was so shaken he never kissed Finn in public afterward.  
  
"Or do you want to talk about how I had to think about how you were in the 5th grade by the time I graduated high-school? All the wise-cracks my co-workers made? Or did you mean the glaringly apparent generational gap between us?"  
  
"Why do you think like that all the time?" Finn interjects as he steps forward, letting go of his grip on the door knob. Hux can hear Poe slowly walking away from the window. "All those arbitrary little facts. You're so stuck on them that you can't enjoy the present!"  
  
Hux is too proud concede that Finn may have a point. Instead, he fights dirty, speaking in an even voice: "That's just who I am, Finn. You know that."  
  
"Yeah, I know." Finn's voice is quiet and small again. "I knew and I still loved you."  
  
"I love you still." The words fall off his lips just as Poe appears at the door, fully dressed, a small knack-sack slung over his shoulder.  
  
"I'll call you later, Finn." He shoots Hux a look of pure unadulterated dislike and kisses Finn's cheek before walking towards the stairwell.  
  
Finn moves to chase after him, to explain the context, but stops. He looks at Hux, frowning, then at the CD still in his. He contemplates something that Hux is not privy to and sighs, "Do you still want to listen to it?"  
  
Finn moves out of the doorway, allowing Hux to enter. As the acoustic rhythms filled the room, Finn's TV blared the _Addam's Family_ theme and Hux sees a letter from Rey on Finn's table. A photo on Hux, Finn, Ben and Rey, taken on Ben's 24th birthday was on the fridge.  
  
Hux couldn't help but feel it again. This morning seemed to be coated in nostalgia.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The day as according to Finn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song is Toxic Girl by Kings of Convenience.

_You're waitin' in the shadows for a chance  
'Cause you believe at heart, that if you can  
Show to her what love is all about  
She'll change_

Finn's eyes peel open as the song transitions to a musical riff. He groans: the volume was way too loud and it was way too early. The music is flowing in through his open bedroom door, punctuated by someone rattling dishes in the kitchen. Finn folds the pillow onto his ears in an attempt to down out all the noise but eventually acquiesces to consciousness.

The digital clock on the nightstand reads 8:37 AM, causing another groan to escape him as he sits up in bed and stares out the open bedroom door. Is it legal to be awake this early on a Saturday? Finn thinks, slowly dragging himself out of bed. 

It's freezing, too.

Finn shakes his head. Of course it could get worse. When was the last time it even snowed around here anyways? Finn walks past the kitchen and straight towards the stereo set, catching the attention of the dish-rattling disturbance.

"Mornin', babe! Didn't think you'd be up for a couple of hours." 

Finn hits the off-switch (thank goodness) before turning to admire his boyfriend, who was now making his way to the small couch a few feet away. 

What could Finn say about Poe? Poe was the literal definition of tall (well, he's actually the same height as Finn but that was inconsequential), dark and handsome. Thirty-two, rugged, with deep, honey brown eyes that made Finn melt into a puddle. To tilt it all off, he's funny, smart, kind, and charming-to-a-fault. Also, as if Finn needed to go on, he's a pilot and owns the cutest dog in the world.

Poe was what Finn called ordinary, everyday perfect boyfriend material. 

"That was the plan," Finn yawns as he joins his boyfriend on the couch, "Until the power of music gently ushered me into the conscious world."

"Have you had an awakening to the awesome power of music?" Oh, did Finn forget to mention Poe was also a multitalented musician when he's not piloting? 

Finn chuckles, "Nope. Still as tone-deaf and rhythmless as the day we met; I know how much you enjoy consistency in your hectic life." He says, planting a kiss on Poe's cheek before turning his attention back to the stereo, "What was that song anyways? It sounds familiar."

"Oh?" Poe raises one eyebrow and eyes the younger man. Finn had a sneaking suspension that this morning was going to go even more downhill when he finally teases out the note of suspicion in the innocent sound Poe had just made. "It should, it's from your collection."

"Oh." Finn returns with a slight shrug, "I forgot all about it then. I can't even remember the name of the band."

"Kings of Convenience." The other man replies as soon as Finn finishes his statement. He's still cautiously eyeing Finn like he's waiting for him to slip so he can make some grand accusation. "Ring any bells?"

The name instantly rung every bell in Finn's mind and he wanted to drop this line of conversation faster than anything he's ever wanted in his life. How in this cruel world did Poe manage to pick that one out of all the CDs he owns?

The CD wasn't his, of course. Well, okay, it was his technically since He-Who-Will-Not-Be-Named ( _Hux_ , he thinks as his mind back-stabs him) hasn't come back to stake a claim on it. Finn wasn't really sure why he'd taken it or why he even kept it. It's been three years and the only thing that CD has done was collect dust, along with the couple of other CDs Finn owns.

Finn feels the mood in the room get more serious as each moment of silence passes without an answer. When the younger man finally focuses on his boyfriend again, he notices that Poe is looking him straight in the eye with that trademark determined look. Finn felt the disaster approaching quickly and when Poe opens his mouth, he hears worlds (mainly his) implode. "Okay, then. I'll ask it a different way: whose Hux, Finn?"

When Finn finally replied, all that came out was a dumb sound that probably was a 'what?' but historians aren't sure. What these fictional historians can agree on is that hearing _Hux's_ name come out of _Poe's_ mouth had definitely short-circuited Finn's brain for the moment. 

"It's the name you keep muttering in your sleep." 

Poe first heard it one night when Finn was fast asleep, nuzzled into his chest. It had come out quietly and blissfully. The next time Finn's whimpering the name in sadness and Poe has to wake him up from whatever nightmare he was having. The last time he heard it, it emerged as an endearing chide, as if "Hux" had done something exasperating but Finn still wholly loved him anyways. 

That one strangely bothered Poe the most.

"I don't say his name in my sleep." It comes out a lot more defensively than needed. Finn is already doing mental acrobatics to figure out how to deescalate this situation. 

"So it's a 'his'?" Poe says inching closer, "An old boyfriend you haven't gotten over? Not some dead dog you really loved?"

Finn didn't even know the 'dog' lie was an option. "I don't want to talk about this right now, Poe. It's old history and I don't like living in the past." Finn is standing at this point, too agitated to sit, "How do you even know about Hux..." A small bell rings in the deep recesses of Finn's mind once the name escapes his lips and suddenly his mind is flooded with so many memories that he loses the momentum of his question, "...anyways?"

Poe leans back into the corner of the couch, crosses his legs and folds his arms against his chest. Relentless, he repeats, "Whose Hux, Finn?"

"Okay, fine, yeah, he's an ex." Finn feels backed into a corner despite being surrounded by open space. Why is he suddenly so tired? "We--I broke up with him three years ago. It's really old news. Now, will you tell me why you are bringing this up?" There is an edge in Finn's voice that Poe undoubtedly hears but Finn couldn't care less.

"Did you really want to break up with him?" 

"Of course, I mean, I--"

"Wait, wait." Poe sighs, unfolding his various limbs to stand. He moves to hold Finn, grazing his lips along Finn's neck before he could finish. "Stop, you don't have to." He shifts to look at Finn's face, "I'm just being horribly jealous, I'm sorry. I've held it in for a long time and it was eating at me. Then this morning, after hearing you say his name yet _again_ , I find this CD with the words 'Finn loves Hux even if he's a dirty hipster' written in the insert and I...I may have played it too loud of purpose."

Finn chuckles, relief filling his voice. "So you were planning this ambush from the start?" 

"I'm sorry again." Poe says, nudging his nose further into Finn's neck. It's that eery quiet Finn hates again, the one that always precludes disaster. "So, why'd you break up?"

Finn groans and moves to look Poe in the face. "Poe...can we not?"

"Okay, okay!" He throws his hands up, "Couldn't help myself. Let's just watch TV and maybe you can get a little more sleep?" 

"Yes, please. I think you took years off of me there." Finn groans, rubbing his face and moving to sit next to a laughing Poe.

The _Addams Family_ theme fills the room seconds later but Finn can't focus on the ghouls on the screen. His mind is swimming with memories of Hux. Why is he thinking about Hux? It's not like Hux thinks about him, he concludes. Finn was probably just another part of an embarrassing phase Hux was going through at the time. He was turning 30, unfulfilled and desperately trying to cling to his 20s. He picked up young, trendy things and Finn figures he was something that got picked up but wasn't discarded of when Hux finally came back to his senses. He couldn't really explain it any other way.

Finn remembers the day he met Hux perfectly. Dr. Skywalker had left town for some seminar and offered Finn $100 bucks to babysit his 13 year old daughter Rey for the day and a half he was gone. Finn would have done it for free but he's not one to refuse money where it won't be missed. Plus it's an easy gig; Rey didn't need to be babysat but Dr. Skywalker is the most over-protective dad in the universe. He accidentally left Rey at the supermarket for an hour once when she was nine and he's been different ever since. (Rey was so preoccupied in the sweets aisle that she didn't notice the child neglect). 

Well, Finn had _thought_ that is was going to be a cakewalk. He remembers vividly hearing the distinct sound of a blood-curling scream, a curse-word that sweet sheltered Rey should not know and the girl herself curled up on her bed, clutching her abdomen. She's cold to the touch. 

"Rey!" Finn rushed to her, "Rey, are you okay? What's wrong?" 

Rey managed to lift her head to meet Finn's eyes, "Finn..." Her face is tinged red, "T-there's blood...down, um, there." Her voice is quivering, "Am I sick, Finn?"

Finn barely managed to register the tear-filled whispers but his mouth forms a small 'oh' when it all comes together. Finn's not dumb or anything; he had health class in high school. Passed it, too. But he had no clue on what exactly to do in this situation and he knows that that prudish Dr. Luke Skywalker didn't include it in the curriculum of Rey's homeschooling. 

Rey is whimpering and, crap, Finn had to do something. Would calling an ambulance for a period be too much? Probably. Rey had an aunt but she's working with some non-profit in England and Finn doesn't have her number anyways. He considers calling Rey's dad but Dr. Skywalker would probably be more inept at this than Finn. Then, suddenly it came to him: Ben. Her cousin Ben. Rey had excitedly told Finn a couple of days ago that he's been accepted to medical school. Rey could be his first patient, Finn thinks excitedly.

Finn recalls it was around 11:30 at night when he arrived at Ben's apartment, whose address Rey's dad had left with the emergency contact information. Meanwhile, the cool night air did Rey a lot of good and she was able to walk most of the way herself. As he knocks and his panic subsides, Finn noticed the definitive party noises emanating from the apartment: music, chatter, shuffling, glasses clicking and cans opening. He's guilt-stuck to bother Ben when he could have Googled how to deal with this but he ultimately convinces himself that Rey needed support from someone who isn't reading a WikiHow article. 

Ingrained into every book of his mind is the memory of the door opening in front of him. It flooded the empty hallway with noise and so much light that Finn was blinded. He would have sworn up and down that the light that blinded him was coming from the red-head who stood in front of him. Finn was so awestruck that the only thing he could do was look at Hux then at Rey then at Hux again, mouth agape and spewing random syllables, until Ben came rushing over. 

Finn's rushing to explain Rey's symptoms. While doing so, he is always conscious of Hux, who looked out-of-place and a little buzzed. Ben, thankfully, reassures him that it's nothing to worry about and that Rey should see her real doctor first thing (something about the pain) but that he'll take her to get what she needs for now. 

Just like that, Finn was left at Ben's party. He hovers near the doorway, hoping to grab Rey the instant she gets back so they can leave. It's not like Finn's adverse to parties: he'd gone to a lot in his time in high school and most of them had alcohol. Finn isn't shy either; he could mingle like the best of them. But Hux was staring at him so intently that Finn's heart was pounding in his ears. He remembers doing his best not to notice by admiring Ben's botanical tastes until the sparkle of the golden can caught his attention.

Hux is holding out a can and Finn is glancing around, as if there is possible another person in the foyer. He says something (more like stammers), though he's not sure really what it was anymore. Some polite refusal or other.

Distinctly, Finn can still see the image: Hux is still holding out the can and lets out a quiet 'oh'. He smiles warmly, the effects of the alcohol making it loose and wide. "I'll be the bad adult and say one won't hurt you then. It'll calm your nerves anyways."

Finn decides that between Rey's period and just being near Hux, that his nerves needed the calming. He downs the beer without a second thought causing Hux to take a few re-evaluating blinks. Finn's grinning now. "Okay, you were right I did need that!"

The other man smiles and Finn fills the space between them with casual chit-chat. Finn explains he is supposed to be babysitting Rey tonight and that he's just graduated from high school (but he's been doing some college courses already, he mentions). Hux very casually says he's recently graduated from law school and Finn remembers gushing about 'how amazing, really cool, wow' for a bit before Hux goes on. Hux didn't seem to think it was as impressive as Finn did and he wants to why but he doesn't press it. Hux has known Ben been since he was 13 (Hux would have been 18 then so it's just like him and Rey). Apparently, Ben's dad was the volunteer soccer couch for the soccer team Hux was on at the time. (Hux is athletic, Finn mentally scribbles). Ben's dad thought exposure to sports would make his artistic son more into physical activity and less into the ridiculous band he was in.

("The Knights of Ren. It was as bad as it sounded but they were all really into it so it was always a good time," Hux reminisces while chuckling.)

The conversation became less coherent however as Hux had another beer. (He's a lightweight, Finn notes). Hux is alternatively leaning against the wall and then against him. "So do you have a girlfriend or something?" Hux says, leaning against the wall, "Boyfriend?"

Finn felt flush as he shook his head. "No boyfriend." He clarifies and it seems Hux likes the answer judging by the smile. 

"That's cool, me neither." Hux says slowly with a messy smile, slurring his words slightly, "How old did you say you were again? 18?" Finn nods and he sees Hux's face turn contemplative. He pulls Finn gently into himself, getting rid of any semblance of personal space. "That's cool. That's okay, right?"

Finn was going to chime in ("it was most definitely okay") but they were interrupted by Ben standing in the now open door, clearly startled by the scene. He immediately looks at Hux's flushed, slightly dazed face and then at the near nonexistence of space between Finn and Hux.

Ben, ever the good host, intervenes to support Hux's slouching figure, slinging one of Hux's arms around his neck and hoisting up the drunk man. "Was this drunkard hitting on you, Finn?" Ben laughs when a fuzzy 'shaddup, Kylo Ren' comes from Hux. "Hux always preys on younger, defenseless men."

Finn remembers letting out a nervous, awe-struck laugh. He can barely hear anything over his heartbeat. "R-really?"

The voice of one of the other party goers that Finn didn't know towered behind him. "Oh yeah, for sure." Finn turns slightly, meeting with the neck of an extremely attractive, short-haired blonde. Her voice was wickedly playful. "Ben was his first victim. Poor soul was forced to give up music for a much more sensible life-path."

Ben uses a free-hand to shove the woman as they both laugh. "Shut up, Phasma, you're going to scare Hux's prey away."

"Prey?" She bursts out laughing again. "Is he hunting 'wabbits'? Is it 'wabbit' season, Ben?"

Phasma had more impressions in her but Finn can't remember. He distinctly recalls looking up at Ben. Ben, future doctor: intelligent, good humored, and well-bred. Ben who was tall with a face that sported defined features, artfully decorated with beauty marks. That same face was currently stretched out in the most endearing lop-sided grin Finn had ever seen and he's desperate to know why Hux and him broke up.

Was Ben his type? If Ben was, then what was that all about? Ben and Finn were opposites in every way. Maybe they weren't joking, maybe he just likes younger guys? 

An irrational wave of jealousy washes over Finn and he's speaking faster than he's thinking. "I should take Rey home now. It's pretty late and the chances Dr. Skywalker will let me babysit again go down each second someone opens a beer around Rey." 

Ben seems to be the only one who truly appreciates Finn's words. Dr. Skywalker was a professor of ancient theology whose work heavily influenced his daily habits and overall mindset. He was something of a monk meets soccer dad type of guy in Finn's eyes. 

Phasma gives a small 'aw' and even though they were't even formally introduced, she gives Finn a small hug. Finn suspects that out of all the people here, Phasma has had the most to drink. "Bye, prey!" She slurs her words excitedly then suddenly she claps her hands together, "Oh, oh, wait! Let's take a picture of all of us! Grab little Rey and I'll get my camera!"

Ben gives a half-hearted apologetic look as he smiles and points his chin to the direction of the empty couch. "It's best not to fight her on these things."

Ben tells Finn a little more about Phasma as he gently sets Hux on the couch. She just got her Masters of Fine Arts in Industrial Design but her undergraduate work degree was in professional photography. Her stuff was featured in a couple of fashion magazines a few years ago and more recently one of her designs was bought by a major tech firm for their new device. Finn begins to feel even more inadequate around his new group of friends and wishes he could go back to three hours ago when Rey was marveling at him for being done with high-school. 

The photo was a quick affair. Finn is next to Hux, who is using his shoulder as a pillow, now simply unable to keep it up on his own. Ben positioned himself on Finn's free-side and stretches his arms out to encompass Finn and Rey, who is sitting on the other side of Ben. She is leaning into Ben and beaming. Finn's so glad that she's not curled up in a ball of pain that he gives the widest smile when Phasma finally proclaims 'say cheese!' 

After Phasma collects Finn's address so she can send him a print of the photo, she talks for another fifteen minutes about the mechanics of darkrooms. After her informative lecture, she leans into Finn and smiles. "Hux is totally free, my friend." She lets out an strange laugh and Finn's hand inches slowly to remove the (who knows the number) beer from the older woman's hand. "He and Ben are old history. It was for like, two month, max, maybe, when Ben was, like, 18 and horny for Hux because Hux was the only person who ever showed up to his band's gigs. I don't think they even..." She searches for the words, careful not to give Rey another abrupt health lesson, "...did the deed, y'know?"

Finn remembers distinctly how his face was hot even after he'd crawled into the bed in the Skywalker guest room an hour later. He'd decided, in the still of night and head still light, that he would make an effort to get to know Hux.

So Finn did his best to linger at places he thought Hux might stop by. The older man is surprisingly predictable: book stores, coffee shops, the library. Finn even started getting up at 5AM to go jogging in the park, hoping to run into him. He was always careful to let Hux notice him. Finn always waved at him before striking up conversation. He wasn't a stalker or anything. He figures he wasn't following Hux--just strategically placing himself in his path. 

At first, Hux would pretend not to notice Finn but soon he's give small waves which Finn always over enthusiastically returned. The conversations were awkward, filled with long pauses that Finn relished and filled them with trivial small talk. He can still remember the feeling of his heart stuck in his throat when Hux, without being prompted, asks if he'd like to get a cup of coffee. The spluttered reply lands Hux and Finn in a nearby shop and Finn does his best to control his shaking limbs.

Hux is the most fascinating person Finn had ever met. He's a lawyer, specializing in tax law, but his real passion is engineering. He has a bachelors in mechanical engineering. Finn couldn't care less what degree he had; he just loved the way Hux's entire being lit up when he spoke. 

But the light faded, quickly and quietly. His dad was sick, getting old, and the firm's been in the family for decades. Hux applied to law school before he even got a chance to do anything with his degree.

"I could have saved a lot of time just going straight in," Hux tries to hide his disappointment with laughter. His laughter stops when Finn reaches his hand out to hold the older man's. They stare at each other before Hux finally adjusts their hands so he's holding Finn's. It's a pleasant quiet for the rest of the date. 

Soon, they were going on dates almost every other day. The zoo, the aquarium, art museums. However, Finn started to notice a trend. Hux always paid. Hux always picked him up and dropped him off. Hux always asked if he had a curfew. He noticed how people looked at them, too; trying to figure out exactly their relationship then, upon realizing, he sees the dirty look they give Hux. The redness of the older man's cheek tells Finn that Hux sees it, too.

Finn didn't care about what they thought. But Hux would. He'd drop Finn's hand the moment people could see. He could pat Finn on the head in public, never kiss. He always walked a whole foot away from Finn in public. 

Maybe that's why the next thought that floats into his head is of him pinning Hux against the wall of the older man's apartment and attacking his lips without warning. 

Finn had kissed before. Once. For about five seconds. Nervous and inexperienced, the kiss is messy (saliva everywhere) and uncoordinated ("passionate"). The sound of teeth hitting stops once Hux eases away from him. He's holding Finn gently around his waist, pulling their lower bodies together and faces apart.

He's almost giggling. "Slow down, Finn." His smile is so bright, his face like the sun, that Finn is almost blinded from looking straight into it. 

In the pit of his stomach, (quite irrationally, Finn reflects), he thinks Hux must think he's so inexperienced; some novice whose trying too hard. Was he comparing him to another boyfriend? Was he comparing him to _Ben_? It was in moments like these, even when Hux's lips were ghosting his neck, laying light kisses and whispering how beautiful he looked, that Finn imagines another lover--the kind that understood what Hux needed. This phantom would be the one making Hux shudder, pinning him down with the ease of experience. 

That's who Hux wanted, not a virgin high-school graduate.

Finn, looking back now, won't deny what he did was headstrong, stupid and immature. Reckless, inconsiderate, and so _childish_ that he understands a little why Hux was so conscious of their age gap. Finn feels Hux hard against him and reaches to stroke it softly. Finn's not really sure anymore whether it was foolhardiness or the moan-whimper from Hux that coaxes him to lead the older man to the bedroom. Was he thinking about Hux laying naked, skin almost glowing in the moonlight, or his irrational fear that Hux will get bored of him as he stripped himself and climbed on the bed? Was he thinking about how many times Ben slept in this bed or Hux's tongue tracing his thigh when he tells Hux to fuck him? 

When he's crying afterward, Finn sees the flash of protective anger on Hux's face. He remembers vividly thinking 'Hux is mad at me, he must hate me' or some other melodramatic line. The older man doesn't let go of him for a long time and Finn can't stop sobbing in pain and disappointment.

Now that Finn is thinking about it, the foundation of their relationship was awkward and insecure to begin with. Maybe it set the tone for the next four years? Finn can only remember adoring Hux now for some reason despite trying his hardest to find where the breaking point was. Why did it all erupted three years ago?

Finn had turned 21. Hux was sitting in front of his computer, his gaze fixed on the screen. It's a quiet domestic scene, in retrospect: Finn's writing the incriminating little love inscription that Poe had found in the insert booklet of that CD, smiling to himself, Hux is working and their serenaded by sweet acoustic rhythms. 

"Remember when you used to love these guys?" Finn says, putting the booklet back into the case. "It brings back memories. I am glad you didn't decide to toss all your shoes and walk everywhere barefoot. Thank goodness for 30."

Hux grunts, acknowledging he's heard but not that he's comprehended.

"It was that 'cool, young Hux' phase." Finn is looking at Hux, who is scribbling down some notes, making a confirmatory noise. "It's embarrassing to think about but at least we met..."

"Yeah, Finn..." He replies, absent-mindedly.

"My birthday's coming up! The big 2-1." Finn beams, "For once, I can buy the beer!"

Hux sighs, exacerbated. "Great, Finn. Now maybe they'll also let you take the training wheels off your bike."

Finn kind of wants to stop remembering then and there. He doesn't really remember well how he felt. Maybe hurt because this was the vocal confirmation that the nagging age gap that plagues their relationship was front and center in Hux's mind. Maybe he was angry about how Hux had ignored him the entire time then when he does speak, it's to insult him. Maybe he was disappointed because he really thought 21 would make Hux think he's an actual adult. 

His footsteps towards the door are the only things that punctuate the silence in the musical lull. He glances at Hux before opening the door and Finn's gut now wrenches in embarrassment at how he wanted Hux to stop him. Finn thinks he would have stopped if Hux had tried. But Hux didn't, so Finn walks out into the unusually cold hallway, slamming the door. As he marches down the stairs, all he can hope for is that the tears didn't fall till he got home.

It was a bit childish, fine, but he ignores Hux's calls. Doesn't bother to answer Ben's or Phasma's. Only Rey's calls got through to him and she would occupy them with unrelated musings and thoughts. After awhile, he calls Hux back and lays it all out: his insecurity, how Hux always unconsciously highlights their age difference, how he loves Hux. It was the first time he'd said it to him and it had to be when he was possibly breaking-up. 

Hux doesn't say it back. 

Finn was on the verge of tears already so he hangs up before he suffers the disgrace of knowing Hux is hearing him sob like a child. 

Hux doesn't call back. After four years, Finn was kind of shocked at how quickly it was all over.

Finn's attentions are (thankfully) diverted from the memories of how he moped around for months afterward trying to forget Hux when there's a knock at the door. Poe gets up before Finn has the chance. "I'll get it, babe."

Finn adjusts to the present slowly, hearing Poe's and whoever is at the door murmuring. Poe comes back in, with a face that seems to be working out a puzzle. "There's someone at the door for you. A red-head. Kinda oldish looking. Maybe Irish."

No, it can't be. It's probably a traveling salesman or a Jehovah's Witness. Your mind is playing tricks on you since you went down memory lane, he reassures himself. If his mind is playing tricks on him, then the hallucination of Hux in front of him was very realistic. Finn felt his eyes almost roll out of his head before he snapped back into reality. Poe. Poe cannot hear any of this, especially after this morning. What did I do wrong to deserve this today? He thinks clutching the doorknob and pulling it almost shut behind him. 

"Hey." The wind was almost knocked out of him when Hux spoke. He won't admit he missed Hux's voice. He won't.

Finn clutches the door even tighter behind him till he hears the metal of the door slide against the frame slightly. "Hey."

They stand observing each other. Well, screw him: Hux is still a glowing ray of light. His face has sunken in a little, yeah, but there is stubble on his normally clean-shaven face that adds the missing volume. His eyes seem more green and brighter than Finn remembers, too. He's practically glowing. 

He probably has a new boyfriend, but it's not that Finn cares. "Hey." 

Hux takes a small breath like he always did before trying to get through a painful situation. Finn isn't sure he appreciates being the cause of it, though. "I'm just here to see," he pauses and gives a sheepish smile, "if you have my Kings of Convenience CD?"

"What?" That fucking CD again. Finn can't think of any more ways that CD could hurt him today. 

Hux wasn't expecting that answer it seems. "I thought you might have picked it up when you came by after we..."

Hux trails off, but Finn gets the gist. He had come by a couple of days after their phone call to grab all of his things that had piled up at Hux's apartment (Finn'd basically moved in) while Hux was at work. Finn had the CD. Of course. Yeah. And Hux would see the stupid note in the insert and Finn restrains a groan. 

Finn stares Hux in the eye for a moment, debating if he should lie. "Yeah, sure, I mean, I'll check." He turns and opens the door, "Wait here a sec."

Of course, Hux couldn't come in. Poe is right there, sitting on the couch pretending to watch TV. There is a lump in his throat as he partially blocks the TV to remove the disc from the player. Poe is looking at him but Finn can't meet his eyes as he reaches for the CD's case. Both of their eyes focus on the inscription, half of which is covered by Finn's thumb. It simply reads: 'Finn loves Hux'. 

Finn rushes back to the door to hand the disc back to Hux. "Here." But Finn doesn't let go when Hux tries to retrieve it. This has to mean something, right? This CD Hux bought around the time they met. The note from when they broke up. Poe finding it abruptly. Hux coming here for it. "I--"

Time seems to slow down for him.

Finn collects himself and continues. He might as well admit it. "I took it on purpose. Since you called it 'whiny and nonsensical', I didn't think you'd miss it."

Guilt-prickled at Finn and the words came out unusually spiteful. Hux had never said that (in Finn's defense, Hux had called their lyrics nonsensical once) but Finn couldn't admit to defacing the booklet and stealing it in one go. 

Hux, either catching Finn's lie or not caring for the tone, responds defensively and Finn knows the storm is brewing. "I just felt like listening to it today is all. You can have it though. You and your friend---"

"Poe." Finn interjects, guiltily remembering the other man inside.

"You and your friend _Poe_ ," Finn regrets giving the name to Hux as he winces. "I didn't know you still listened to it. I wouldn't have asked if I knew."

Poe definitely heard Hux just then. Why were they fighting now? Why didn't he just give Hux the CD and said his final goodbye? He has Poe and he's happy. Poe was nothing like Hux. Poe doesn't care about Finn being 23. He's not Hux and that's why Finn likes him so much. 

"He's 32." Finn's voice is barely audible as he thinks aloud. "He doesn't mind." 

Why is he digging himself deeper in to this hole? Just let Hux leave. Let him go. Why am I rehashing this? Finn ponders in a daze. Only Hux speaking, equally quiet, tugs him towards reality. "23 and 32 is more manageable than 21 and 32." 

Finn didn't realize Hux had heard him but the chaos and irrationality of the morning dictated he respond to this."What's happened in two years, Hux?" Finn isn't going to cry. He's done crying about Hux but his mouth won't stop. "What's the difference?"

"Fine, let's try 18 and 29!" Hux voice is louder and angrier. Poe can hear definitely hear him through the door. "How about people looking at you like you're a cradle robber? How about not being able to be affectionate with you without some beat cop asking for ID?" 

Finn had forgotten all about that but now that he thinks about it, it must have really affected Hux. He's a lawyer, Finn reminds himself, that must have been terrible for him. Finn is suddenly full of desire to embrace Hux and say he's sorry for not being more considerate about it then. Hux is still going on though:

"Or do you want to talk about how I had to think about how you were in the 5th grade by the time I graduated high-school? All the wise-cracks my co-workers made? Or did you mean the glaringly apparent generational gap between us?"

The desire disappears with that statement. It was so typically Hux and his stupid, nonsense lawyer speak. Sounds good but has no substance. "Why do you think like that all the time?" He steps forward, letting go of his grip on the door knob. "All those arbitrary little facts. You're so stuck on them that you can't enjoy the present!"

Hux stops abruptly and Finn knows that Hux agrees. When he finally speaks, speaks his tone is even: "That's just who I am, Finn. You know that."

"Yeah, I know." Finn can't win. How could be win whatever fight he was trying to pick when he knew that Hux was right? It's just who Hux was. That's why Finn broke up with him: three years or thirty, Hux would always see Finn as that baby-faced 18 year old. "I knew and I still loved you."

"I love you still." Hux's eyes are solid and tragic. Finn takes a staggered inward breath, his head light and there's a lump building in his throat. The moment is surreal until reality in the form of Poe, fully dressed, with a small knack-sack slung over his shoulder walked past him out of the door.

"I'll call you later, Finn." Finn doesn't miss the look Poe shoots at Hux as he realizes that Poe probably heard everything. He kisses Finn's cheek before walking towards the stairwell.

Finn wants to chase after him. He almost does but what could he say to him? He looks at Hux, frowning, then at the CD still in his hand. 'Don't misunderstand, Poe. He's only the guy I subconsciously seem to obsess over! That little scene you saw all clearly meant nothing, not the fact that I kept the CD, not the fact that I was picking a fight when I didn't need to, even the love confession meant nothing. I mean, yeah, I should have chided him and said sorry but instead I was gawking like a love-sick puppy!'

The CD. He looks at Hux and sighs. Well, while he's here: "Do you still want to listen to it?"

Finn moves out of the doorway, and thankfully Hux enters. As the acoustic rhythms filled the room, Finn realizes his TV is still blaring the _Addam's Family_. Hux had wandered in the kitchen. He's standing where Poe when Finn had first woken up, looking at the photo of himself, Finn, Ben and Rey taken on Ben's 24th birthday that was on the fridge. 

Finn moves to turn the TV off and suddenly he's back on the day of their break-up. Except this time, Hux's eyes are on him and Finn is walking towards Hux, not away. For the first time, this stupid CD isn't ruining Finn's life.


End file.
